The Guide to - American Football

• American Football is mainly played by men called "Quarter Pounders"�.
   

• There is another man called a "Thrower"� who throws the ball to one of the Quarter Pounders who is his special friend.
   

• He will not throw the ball though until his friend has guessed his favourite number, 36, 48, 22, 13 etc.
   

• There are many stops to play in American Football, the commonest reasons for stopping are:

  • One of the quarter pounders has a dirty helmet
  • There is a passing marching band who must be allowed to cross the pitch on the way to Tijuana
  • It's snack time again
     

• "Play"� in American Football means that the Quarter Pounders from one side must run at the Thrower from the other side in the hope that it will make them be his special friend instead.
   

• The Quarter Pounders from that side pretend that there is a magic spell that lives inside the ball and they must not allow anyone else to get the ball in case they steal the spell and so are able to guess the Throwers favourite number more easily. By this means they cleverly distract the other Quarter Pounders.
   

• Scantily clad young ladies will dance around in a remarkably energetic manner during much of the game which raises the question why is this game not more popular? "�� see other aspects of this guide for the answers.
   

• At this point there it is usually necessary to have a break to allow the crowd to record amusing incidents of people falling over and running into each other for "you've been framed"� type programmes.
   

• It is the law that you must play American Football in fancy dress, but instead of wearing one costume, you must wear two.

  • One costume is worn on the upper part of the body, this must be a Shrek or Honey Monster costume.
  • The other is worn on the lower part of the body, this must belong to a much smaller person and be a bit embarrassing for the average man to put on with links to the "mankini"�.